Lately, my days were only filled with music and on-screen activities that made me so bored. ESTJ has no pleasure with nothing to do. So do I, I don't enjoy any unproductive days, think it's such an act of wasting time. And waiting for so many unsure things has driven me crazy. My brain needed work-out to keep it healthy, anyway. Simply, I really missed those busy moments where I looked so productive and active and.. everything was placed at its finest.
Two or three weeks ago, I stated that GOD superbly need my HELP about what to do with MY LIFE because for me it seems like He has removed so many good moments and added too many bad scenes in my life. I thought that God has lost His power and ability to bring goodness to me (based on Romans 8:28). I ignored every promises He reminded me by "Is it? I think that's just another i-wish powerless empty words coming from my very conscious mind and that is not coming from YOU." I spent 3 days watching romance series, something I've never done before. Seriously, I've never been into any games, movie series or any addictive entertainments. I'm only addicted to Him all my life.
But.. this kind of situation defeated my very last faith and stabbed me down to disappointment. I remember, one day I planned to go on a night-out with my high school friends. During my east-to-west journey there (a mall located in West Jakarta) the sky got cloudy and darker. My spontaneous response would be "God, please hold the rain until I arrive there", but my stubbornness said "Just make it happen and rain over me! I'm NOT going to ask nor beg You to stop it." But the sky remained content, not even a single drop fell to my skin. LUCKY me, I said.
Day turned to night, I had fun with my gangs and decided to stay the night in my bestie's house. We went to a mini market near her house to buy snacks and deep inside I wanted this one kind of snack that I haven't eaten it for a pretty long time. There, I found the snack I want was on sale and it made me very happy although it's just a small matter. "Woo.. look at you!" she said. "How He cares about you and your little wishes, you're not just LUCKY, but you are BLESSED, Hanna." I hardly grinned at her. Maybe she was right but.. I'm hating Him now, aren't I?
"But if the ox gores a slave, either male or female, the animal's owner must pay the slave's owner thirty silver coins and the ox must be stoned" - Exodus 21:32 (NLT)
This verse was the first one coming when finally I decided to open my Bible again and finish my cranky action. "What? Are you kidding me? I'm disappointed for weeks and You want me to read Moses' law? Even in my good mood I will barely understand what it means. You don't love me. That's the point," I protested Him.
"Thirty silver coins, that's My price," He gently answered me.
"Wait.. what do You mean?"
"I was priced like a slave gored by an ox to save you from sufferings and disappointments. I told Moses the law and I fully understand what it brings. It brings Me to thirty silver coins price to show My love for you. How could I not pay all My attention to your life if I have given everything to you?"
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Look at you, look at your life! If you can't see anything good there, I'm telling you that I was standing there with the same depressions, sadness, disappointments, regrets and impatient feelings. But.. DON'T STOP! This is just one or two chapter away until the goodness will be seen. He was priced a slave for you. For you, yes, the one who read this right now. Don't lose your hope!
For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish and have eternal life. (John 3:16)
